What Da Fudge?

My typical morning.

The alarm goes off but I can’t find the snooze button because my eyes are closed shut by these massive adhesive eye boogers that were created overnight. I start panicking and crying. Luckily, my tears softens them up and my eyes are free. I sigh with relief, *sigh*. But now my bed won’t let me get up and I am controlled by this unknown force. Like if someone is holding my shoulders down and closing my eyelids, such a cruel person. I finally break free and just in time, as I almost pee’d on my Sesame Street letter P pajamas, oh the irony..

I make it to the bathroom and mesmerize on how awesome of a kickstand my arm makes, allowing me to create the perfect angle to center my urine in the toilet bowl. I pat my friend for the job well done and not creating a mess. I start brushing my teeth while going in and out of consciousness, snapping right out of it as soon as I start gagging due to all the foam in my mouth. I then start to laugh like a lunatic when I look in the mirror because I see a rabid llama staring back and laughing as well. 

After the awkward moment, I then proceed to check my Twitter for any recent news. I head over to the trending topics and see R.I.P Hugh Jackman. According to reliable sources, he died in a freak snowboarding accident and quickly sank in the snow due to his adamantian skeleton. May he rest in peace.

I then proceed to the kitchen, stumbling over a NY size roach on my way there. They seem to take a liking to the Combat baits, so I stack a couple on top of each other, creating a luxury Combat hotel for them on the condition that they clean up the crumbs on the floor. They have been complying very well. My fridge is empty once again. I have the option of 4 drops of milk, 1 cheese slice, an old Easter egg, and the unwanted sides of bread slices…..

My life is awesome.

A typical episode of Storage Wars. 

*Darryl, Jarrod, Brandi, Dave, and Barry arrive at the storage auction and are once again surprised that they are all in the same place*

Darryl: Oh great, is that Dave Hester?

Dave: YUUUUUUUUUUP!

*Everyone sighs*

Dan (Auctioneer): Ok guys, here are the rules. Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, 5 minutes, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, Let’s Go! 

*Everyone walks to the 1st storage for bid, while local residents walk with tears in their eyes as they realized they’re going to leave empty-handed.*

Dan: Ok, let the bidding begin.

Jarrod: $10!

Barry: Well, I’m just a collector, but what the hell. $300!

Jarrod: Whoa, that’s close to my budget. $450!

Brandi: That’s too much!

Jarrod: Shut up, hoe.

Darryl: $1,000!

Dave: Is that Darryl bidding? Yuuuuuuuup!

*The cycle continues and Dave wins the unit for $10,000, but it’s ok because he just priced a useless lamp for $2,000*

*Barry wins another unit. Finds an antique step-ladder and gets it appraised. The step-ladder is priceless & worth a lot of $$. Barry then decides to donate it to his midget friend*

*Jarrod & Brandi go home empty-handed because they did not bring enough $$ again, and argue all the way back home*

*Darryl leaves with nothing as well but can’t stop talking about Brandi’s big titties*

THE END

So get your ass to IHOP and claim your free pancakes! Just don’t forget to donate, ya bunch of free loaders!

Oh, and while you are at it, don’t forget to shake what your mother didn’t gave ya!

                                       Go Ke$ha, “Don’t Stop, Make it Pop”

Well, if he pulls off these Urkel moves, he will have no problem beating the other competitors.