Asked by missprose
Random brain farts.
My typical morning.
The alarm goes off but I can’t find the snooze button because my eyes are closed shut by these massive adhesive eye boogers that were created overnight. I start panicking and crying. Luckily, my tears softens them up and my eyes are free. I sigh with relief, *sigh*. But now my bed won’t let me get up and I am controlled by this unknown force. Like if someone is holding my shoulders down and closing my eyelids, such a cruel person. I finally break free and just in time, as I almost pee’d on my Sesame Street letter P pajamas, oh the irony..
I make it to the bathroom and mesmerize on how awesome of a kickstand my arm makes, allowing me to create the perfect angle to center my urine in the toilet bowl. I pat my friend for the job well done and not creating a mess. I start brushing my teeth while going in and out of consciousness, snapping right out of it as soon as I start gagging due to all the foam in my mouth. I then start to laugh like a lunatic when I look in the mirror because I see a rabid llama staring back and laughing as well.
After the awkward moment, I then proceed to check my Twitter for any recent news. I head over to the trending topics and see R.I.P Hugh Jackman. According to reliable sources, he died in a freak snowboarding accident and quickly sank in the snow due to his adamantian skeleton. May he rest in peace.
I then proceed to the kitchen, stumbling over a NY size roach on my way there. They seem to take a liking to the Combat baits, so I stack a couple on top of each other, creating a luxury Combat hotel for them on the condition that they clean up the crumbs on the floor. They have been complying very well. My fridge is empty once again. I have the option of 4 drops of milk, 1 cheese slice, an old Easter egg, and the unwanted sides of bread slices…..
My life is awesome.
A typical episode of Storage Wars.
*Darryl, Jarrod, Brandi, Dave, and Barry arrive at the storage auction and are once again surprised that they are all in the same place*
Darryl: Oh great, is that Dave Hester?
Dan (Auctioneer): Ok guys, here are the rules. Yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, 5 minutes, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, Let’s Go!
*Everyone walks to the 1st storage for bid, while local residents walk with tears in their eyes as they realized they’re going to leave empty-handed.*
Dan: Ok, let the bidding begin.
Barry: Well, I’m just a collector, but what the hell. $300!
Jarrod: Whoa, that’s close to my budget. $450!
Brandi: That’s too much!
Jarrod: Shut up, hoe.
Dave: Is that Darryl bidding? Yuuuuuuuup!
*The cycle continues and Dave wins the unit for $10,000, but it’s ok because he just priced a useless lamp for $2,000*
*Barry wins another unit. Finds an antique step-ladder and gets it appraised. The step-ladder is priceless & worth a lot of $$. Barry then decides to donate it to his midget friend*
*Jarrod & Brandi go home empty-handed because they did not bring enough $$ again, and argue all the way back home*
*Darryl leaves with nothing as well but can’t stop talking about Brandi’s big titties*